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The secret to being likable is LIKING others.

Coach Tony
Coach Tony
Listening is good, but the intent has to be curiosity, not generosity. True dialogue does not happen when we pretend to listen, and it certainly cannot happen if we are not listening at all. ~ Ajit Singh
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#1. Charisma.
I was doing some research on listening and ended up in this article on charisma by Neeramitra Reddy. Key quote:
Funnily enough, the secret to being likable is LIKING others.
This very much reminds me of something a dating coach told me that was her key to helping struggling high functioning men overcome dating slumps: “You have to get them to see that it’s better to be more interested than to be more interesting.”
For me, the key is curiosity. It’s not just that I tend to like most people, it’s that I always like learning. 
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#2. A lot of active listening research is focused on doctors.
Eesh. I’m a bit worried now that I know how many bad outcomes happen because doctors don’t listen. But this should be a warning for all of us — work on our listening skills so we can have good outcomes.
“One of the important causes of medical errors and unintentional harm to patients is ineffective communication. The important part of this skill, in case it has been forgotten, is listening.”
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#3. People are more likely to know what they did wrong than what they did right.
From this Harvard Business Review article on active listening:
Good listening included interactions that build a person’s self-esteem. The best listeners made the conversation a positive experience for the other party, which doesn’t happen when the listener is passive (or, for that matter, critical!). Good listeners made the other person feel supported and conveyed confidence in them. Good listening was characterized by the creation of a safe environment in which issues and differences could be discussed openly.
A lot of stories people tell you involve some hardship they experienced. In that story will be a mix of things that they did that contributed to the hardship and things that they did that were constructive. I think the HBR advice above works because when you focus on what people did right, it often comes as a surprise to them.
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Coach Tony
Coach Tony @tonystubblebine

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